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HSPA Language Arts Tutorial Cluster 3: Revising & Editing

Sample Revise-Edit Writing Draft B


The 11th-grade student who wrote this draft was assigned the task of writing an information essay about an important accomplishment. It is a rough draft, and it needs to be edited before it is revised for the final time.


Mt. Washington Climb

I had gotten up around four-thirty that cool summer morning, anxious to get on the road. My parents were still asleep, however, my mother had my lunch packed and waiting on the kitchen table. I double-checked my gear, grabbed my boots, backpack, and lunch, and left the house. Walking to my car, the first pale hint of red was entering the sky as the sun rose higher and higher. I was right on schedule and greatly anticipating a good day. 

It was a hot, dry summer morning when I reached the parking lot designated for hikers. The cars in the parking lot were mostly from other states. I opened the trunk of my car and grabbed my hiking boots. I had definitely chosen the right day for my first climb of Mt. Washington. I tied my boots, put on my pack, made sure the car was locked up, and walked over to the map displayed at the head of the trail. I studied the map for a few minutes and then started my six-mile journey to the summit. 

For the first two miles I walked slowly, enjoying the scenery. It was very beautiful out there. The birds were out, the air was crisp and clean, and a soft breeze tickled my ears. After an hour and a half had passed, I gradually picked up the pace. 

I reached an intersection in the trail at about eleven o'clock. The sun was almost directly overhead, and I judged the temperature as about ninety degrees. I had three miles to go and I felt great. I drank a bottle of water before continuing. As I was about to get up, a huge deer walked right out in front of me; I never even heard it. It was by far the most magnificent-looking animal I had ever seen. The deer's fur was light brown, almost tan, and its antlers had strips of golden velvet that were torn and dirty. Just as soon as the deer was there, he was gone, and I was back on my way to the summit. 

I walked cautiously among the trees for another hour. As I was walking, I noticed the sky got brighter and brighter. Soon I broke through the treeline, and I could see the summit. The sun glistened off the tower. Hundreds of people climbing toward the summit. I hesitated for a moment, awed by the view, and then scrambled over the rocks toward the summit. 

Beads of sweat ran down my face as I pushed toward the top. The summit was half a mile away, yet it seemed like two feet. My legs burned but nothing could have stopped me-not a rockslide, an earthquake, an avalanche-nothing. Determination filled my body and gave me phenomenal energy. What seemed like two minutes was forty-five and before I knew it I was on my knees at the summit. I had made it.


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